| an update, what the heck |
[Jul. 31st, 2007|03:41 pm] |
ive been in the big city for about 3 weeks. 3 weeks is enough to make me feel worthless and unfulfilled. and so, i am running away again, with strangers this time, back to quebec. 47 days (says the facebook countdown) till i get out of this country and exchange it for france.
i feel as though i have all the potential, but none of the connections. hence no job and no desire to continue searching.
i'm not quite sure how it will be this time. i'll deal with each transition one by one. quebec, estonia, france and then god only knows. but i have no desire to return here, although i think eventually i will be left with no choice. |
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| wtf? |
[Mar. 16th, 2007|10:42 am] |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 14th, 2007|09:26 pm] |
womans studies class has brought me to the point where i sit wishing i was born with a penis and a name like Charles.
10 more days spend at glendon. goodbye, im graduating. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 12th, 2007|11:01 am] |
1. i had an interview in french today. in between the ahhhh, ummm, donc, maybe he could piece together the sentence fragments.
2. 3 more fucking weeks
3. i want to visit connie in NYC this summer. she replied and she will be there. before that goes down i need money
4. i made popcorn at glendon yesterday. burned my middle finger. now: a white bubble right underneath my nail.
5. i am currently skipping class. its my perogative to choose what i want to do with my life.
6. i brought ivana tulips last night. we always have flowers to give.
7. at midi i will chat with french boy.
8. i told my mom johnny is gay. she asked. its pretty obvious.
9. andre is on march break, and i am not liking it. i like my quiet time.
10. i have a dossier on a quebecois movie director that i do not like. i have to do this all day today.
11. i currently miss long train rides, good conversation and beauty of being crammed up in small spaces. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 9th, 2007|04:12 pm] |
got my grad pics done today. nothing over the top, woke up with an hour to get ready. stayed in bed for a while, making that less. dont really care, if they suck thats too bad, its not like im going to buy them anyhow.
a whole lot of people got all dressed up, hair curled, eyelashes thick with black ink.
my hormones are on the excessive side at this point in time and i have gotten angy twice in the past 24 hours. yesterday night i waited for my dad for half an hour in the cold at 10:30pm at Glendon. my phone was dead and having no other way to reach him i hopped around trying to keep warm. found a payphone- he's still at home, as calm as ever: he forgot. what an excuse.
mom wouldnt shut up with her racist comments today. i snapped at her, at a certain point i cant tolerate.
im going to the ballet today. taking a flock of 1o year olds as part of my work. wont be too bad, although im so sleep deprived these days.
3 more weeks, i keep crossing off the days one by one, i want to speed up the process. |
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| jacomina |
[Feb. 21st, 2007|10:54 pm] |
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a classmate is getting engaged. in the libraray, behind the bookcases, we covered our mouths and waved our hands. i remembered how diana used to say she would marry just for a classy lastname. an italian one. |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 21st, 2007|10:41 pm] |
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cette chanson m;a fait pleurer (il y a un an) |
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| king me |
[Feb. 18th, 2007|12:20 am] |
smoke clouds vision
i kill off your white knights one by one
concentration and the lack there of
i cant sleep yet
i leave for japan april 11. bringing my high heels and funky shirts. hah.
flowers came yesterday with my name on them. my brain isnt functioning. watched dangerous liasons- like cruel intentions only less sluty. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 22nd, 2007|12:04 am] |
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im in a very strange mood. its almost fake, but i'm not doing it on purpose. |
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| plans |
[Jan. 13th, 2007|12:42 pm] |
2 months and a bit of reading novels, writing essays, trying to understand this foreign language ... and from then on my life is so unplanned, unpredicatable, open. i'm trying to graduate, more difficult than i thought, since the marks from bordeaux have not come in to york. get me out of this university bullshit, i feel like i'm learning, but it's everything i will forget and not care about once its over. its not inspiring anymore.
in april i'm off to japan, to see that big brother of mine and how much his life feel into place
for may i'm applying for quebec- the summer french language program.
then living with my boy and working the summer months
and then masters in france if i am accepted (i called the uni and nobody knows what to do with me, they give me other numbers to call, toss me from one person to the next) and then who knows, who knows
my dreams are so massive, they seem so impossible, yet so simple at the same time. i'm still fighting for this france thing. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 10th, 2007|08:20 pm] |
i see you staring at me with that smile of yours
but i cant touch you
i cant touch you, you tease
(fucking 6000km) |
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| if only |
[Jan. 8th, 2007|07:30 pm] |
fabounet - moya alunia - 81 dyen says:
mais bon
le plus important maintenant c'est toi
et toutes tes histoires
olister. is not made for t.o says:
je suis dans un trou
fabounet - moya alunia - 81 dyen says:
sort la tete |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 12th, 2006|05:52 am] |
two weeks before he comes.
im tingling, a mixture of excitement and fear. my life (where should i begin?) is so different from his.
as if all this time he's only known a fragment and now the entire me is about to be exposed.
and i want to touch again- trace ears, squeeze fingers, awake to eyes so different from my own.
bonsoir |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 15th, 2006|03:03 am] |
and so i am 21 tomorrow.
life is so unpredictale, i dont want to be swallowed in my plans.
farewell best year of my life, i dont know how it could have been any better (well maybe if i could still call france my home) |
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| a childish dream? |
[Oct. 27th, 2006|12:36 pm] |
happy about what comes next.
get me outta here again. for the last time.
a couple of months. |
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| one month till 21 |
[Oct. 15th, 2006|04:17 am] |
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its amazing, being able to spend time with someone who is willing to listen to your crazy stories till 4 in the morning. sitting in the car, wanting to know more. unearth the mysteries of life with someone ive just met. peppermint tea to that new snow patrol song. suddenly i feel, this hasnt happened in a while now. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 2nd, 2006|10:29 pm] |
ola is in a state of nothing.
first day of a new job. and i love it already. i hit a couple of home runs when it came to soccor baseball, and the competetive side of me came out. i love kids. i have to put that smile on my face in front of them. how much of this is really fake? sheltering everyone from life. oh please. but i really do love it. oh, let me do something that can make a difference. |
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| bitter sweet and the day i tried squash soup. |
[Sep. 30th, 2006|11:35 pm] |
how many times have i been inspired in the past couple of days? its incredible. the flow of people and chance encounters and strange situations.
these feelings everyone has inside of them and when they come out in waterfalls, the entire room puts up their hands.
we are all so similar in our goals. some more determined than others.
and every singe one of these people makes me want to push myself like never before. its temporary, and so i must act before it dissolves on me. made a plan today, everything i want to do in my life, the big things, the important ones. its unfinished, indefinite, but it will remind me when im feeling down and unaccomplished.
down at the very bottom has been where ive been off and on for the past month and a half now. its only know that i realize that a room with a 100 people can feel the same way. they basically gave us therapy lessons.
what to do when your world collapses. when you've been at the very top and all of a sudden underwater. its hilarous, these papers that diagnose me as if written by a psychic, and it fits the girl beside me and the 10 or so rows of us FOBs in the auditorium. "ways to return back to regular life". did any of us expect to be sitting there with broken hearts, sadness, depression, unfulfillment before we left? hell no. and then we giggle and talk about what it was like to cross boarders, not speak, be loners. we do not belong. anywhere, really. identity crisis. or make that several. where is home? definately not here. not anymore, or not for along at least.
and the saddest part of it all. she had to say it to break our bubbles of hope.
"what do you do to cope?"
dude who went to uruguay says, "go back".
no. because if/ when you do. everything will have changed. friends will have moved/ changed/ moved on. you would have expectations, left half empty. it cannot happen. everything will be different . it scares me the most. this change. and knowing i can never ever get it back. never my same little room in bordeaux with my erasmus' knocking way past bedtime on my door. its impossible. and now that i had a taste. i want the cake, and to eat it too.
i feel so young and old at the same time. its funny giving advice to a friend, her giving advice to me. complicated boy problems. experience is quite the teacher.
i just want to have this forever. and they tell me to let go.
all i have is the present. |
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| international bonding |
[Sep. 21st, 2006|12:11 am] |
just got home
and i am so happy
and its not due to guys or drugs or alcohol or good marks, or anything i can put a finger on that isnt a good enough reason.
nobody can take it away from me. (oh wait i did drink a beer). but i am in love with a country, and my fellow exchange students
who were there and know. everyone wants to go back. (and i hope genuinely). because i truely fell in love with la France.
even if i wake up tomorrow, i will have a smile plastered to my face.
and apparently i can get along with cakers. well more or less just the ones who went abraod. ;P |
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