|bitter sweet and the day i tried squash soup.
||[Sep. 30th, 2006|11:35 pm]
how many times have i been inspired in the past couple of days? its incredible. the flow of people and chance encounters and strange situations. |
these feelings everyone has inside of them and when they come out in waterfalls, the entire room puts up their hands.
we are all so similar in our goals. some more determined than others.
and every singe one of these people makes me want to push myself like never before. its temporary, and so i must act before it dissolves on me. made a plan today, everything i want to do in my life, the big things, the important ones. its unfinished, indefinite, but it will remind me when im feeling down and unaccomplished.
down at the very bottom has been where ive been off and on for the past month and a half now. its only know that i realize that a room with a 100 people can feel the same way. they basically gave us therapy lessons.
what to do when your world collapses. when you've been at the very top and all of a sudden underwater. its hilarous, these papers that diagnose me as if written by a psychic, and it fits the girl beside me and the 10 or so rows of us FOBs in the auditorium. "ways to return back to regular life". did any of us expect to be sitting there with broken hearts, sadness, depression, unfulfillment before we left? hell no. and then we giggle and talk about what it was like to cross boarders, not speak, be loners. we do not belong. anywhere, really. identity crisis. or make that several. where is home? definately not here. not anymore, or not for along at least.
and the saddest part of it all. she had to say it to break our bubbles of hope.
"what do you do to cope?"
dude who went to uruguay says, "go back".
no. because if/ when you do. everything will have changed. friends will have moved/ changed/ moved on. you would have expectations, left half empty. it cannot happen. everything will be different . it scares me the most. this change. and knowing i can never ever get it back. never my same little room in bordeaux with my erasmus' knocking way past bedtime on my door. its impossible. and now that i had a taste. i want the cake, and to eat it too.
i feel so young and old at the same time. its funny giving advice to a friend, her giving advice to me. complicated boy problems. experience is quite the teacher.
i just want to have this forever. and they tell me to let go.
all i have is the present.